Losing My Religion (While Keeping the Faith): Believing in an Infinite God

When we last met, I asked you to sit with and think about the implications of a God for whom all things are possible. What does it mean that God makes all thing possible? What is possible with God?

I thought and prayed about this question for three years. Opening your mind to Possible is not always easy, especially when you have been raised with the idea that there are rules about what God does and doesn't do, depending on when in history you live. Yet, Hebrews 13:8 says that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Jesus said "I and the Father are one" (John 10:38), so God is also the same throughout  history. This makes perfect sense to me, as God is outside our limitations of space and time.

So the first breakthrough I had was that God is the same as He has always been, and He always will be the same. Perhaps our current idea that God doesn't speak directly to His people is flawed. It's possible that He still does. It's possible that He still heals, still works miracles, still allows us to see glimpses behind the curtain.

So I started listening for His voice. God had spoken to me before, in the depths of emotional trouble over ... well, it doesn't matter what the details are. I heard Him clearly tell me to be still and let Him work in that situation. I began asking for specific guidance, believing that God still speaks directly to His people, and that He would speak to me.

And that's when things started happening.

Losing My Religion (While Keeping the Faith), Introduction

Discussing faith is tricky. The two topics it's not "polite" to discuss are religion and politics, yet both of them have been at the forefront of social media lately. It is not my intent to discuss politics here. If you want to know, feel free to ask elsewhere.

This is the first entry in what may or may not be a long series of posts. It's largely for me to externalize my spiritual journey over the last 7 or 8 years. The further away I get from organized religion, the closer I feel to my God. This is not to say that I have abandoned all ideas of returning to church. What I am saying is that *for me,* there is value in seeking a more experiential component to my faith.

I grew up in a fundamentalist, nondenominational church. Emphasis is on study, an intellectual analysis of the Scriptures in the context of the original languages and the time in which they were written. For 40 years, I accepted that systematic study of the Bible in this way was not only the best approach to faith and worship, it was also the only way.

Then I started meditating on Matthew 19:26b - "with God, all things are possible." I asked myself, What would it mean if you really, truly, believe in an infinite God? I meditated and prayed on this simple question for about 3 years, and then the answers started coming.

I'm going to leave you with this question for a while. Sit with it, think of possibilities. What is possible if you truly, with all your heart, soul, and mind, believe that God is infinite? Infinitely powerful? Infinitely loving? Infinitely full of grace?

Think about it, and I'll share my conclusions and experiences in a while.

Musings

I was raised to live with an attitude of unconditional love. To look at the world with acceptance. To treat people the way I want to be treated, with grace and compassion. To withhold judgment until I knew all the circumstances.

It’s a bit sobering to realize that I am now modeling these values for the very people who instilled them in me, because society has reached their limits of tolerance and compassion. It's troublesome to look around at my fellow believers and followers of Christ and to see harsh judgment instead of sympathy and empathy. 

Is there a certain age at which we are no longer flexible enough in our minds and hearts to embrace those whose experiences are so very different from our own? 

Is there a moment at which we no longer interpret the commandment to love one another as Jesus Christ loves us to mean that we try to understand a differing point of view rather than flatly labeling it as sin and anathema?

Why are we so quick to judge, when we are commanded not to do so?

Why are we so quick to disapprove of someone else's attempt to live life as authentically as they can, and so quick to assume that that person is somehow not worthy of our respect because they are struggling in a way we cannot understand?

Why do we feel that we have the authority to dismiss another person as unworthy of unconditional love? Why do we feel justified in disgust, anger, and hatred?

Where is Jesus Christ in that? 

Why Christians Don't Get to Object to Gay Marriage

I've been thinking about this one for a long time, too. Below are the most common reasons I've heard Christians use to justify their objections, and my objections to those reasons. Please read this seriously and give it some thought. If, after you have thought it through FOR YOURSELF, you still don't agree with me, that's OK. Just make sure you have reasoned and logical reasons, and you're not simply spouting rhetoric you've heard on Christian radio or whatever.

“The Bible says marriage is between one man and one woman!”

Really? Let's take a look. Yes, God created Eve for Adam. The Bible does not tell us whether Adam took another wife; however, legend does tell us that Eve may not have been his only wife.

Even if the original plan was one man/one woman, a cursory reading of the Bible tells us that this was hardly ever the case. Abraham was not criticized for taking Hagar to wife; he was criticized for his lack of faith that the promised son would come from Sarah. David was never criticized for having multiple wives, and he was called a man after God's own heart. Solomon was not criticized for his political marriages; he was criticized for permitting them to lead him away from Jehovah. The only comment on the subject in the New Testament is in 1 Timothy, where a pastor must be husband to only one wife.

Using the Bible to object to same-sex marriage mischaracterizes the Bible. The Bible does not define marriage.

“I don't want to support that lifestyle!”

Let's break this one down. You, as a believer in Jesus Christ, don't want to support a lifestyle of sin. (For purposes of this discussion, we will assume that homosexuality is a sin.) So that means that you will also not support the lifestyle of anyone who gets drunk regularly (Ephesians 5:17), anyone who uses profanity regularly (Ephesians 5:4), anyone who exasperates their children (Ephesians 6:4), etc. You get the picture. If you want to say that you cannot support a sinful lifestyle, then you have to reject all sinners, not just the ones who disgust you. And since every one of us is a sinner (Romans 3:23), are you going to reject yourself? No? Then you can't reject anyone else, either.

Let's also remember that many people who identify as homosexual are not Christians (unbelievers). Without the filling of the Holy Spirit, they have no way to do anything other than sin.

And as for the professing Christians who are also homosexual, you have not been appointed their personal Holy Spirit. Their choices are between them and God. Not your business, not mine. Your business and mine is to reflect the grace of Jesus Christ.

“Hate the sin, love the sinner!”

Newsflash: When someone tells you “I love you, but I hate what you're doing,” all you hear is “I hate.” And our God is love. Our Lord invited all to His table. He promises rest to anyone who comes. And He paid the penalty for all sin, so exactly what is it you think you're promoting? Sin has been forgiven. You don't get to judge someone else's sin, not when your Savior has paid the penalty for it.

If you're dealing with an unbeliever, the only issue is what they think of Jesus Christ. Sin is an issue for BELIEVERS, because we're the ones who have temporal consequences of sin – we're the ones for whom 1 John 1:9 is written. Believers have to confess our sins so that fellowship with God is restored. Unbelievers don't have this option. All they can do is accept Jesus Christ as their Savior.

“America was founded as a Christian nation! We have to preserve Christian values!”

Let's take a look at history, shall we? Yes, the Puritans came over to escape religious persecution by the Catholic Church and the Church of England. However, the Puritans exhibited the same astonishing lack of grace to anyone who didn't fit their narrow notion of what Christianity should be. And at that time, they considered themselves English colonists.

The move for independence from England was political, not religious. It was spurred by taxation issues and other issues regarding the governance of the colonies.

The group of men generally considered as the Founding Fathers consisted of both Christians and Deists. Some of the Christians were Unitarians rather than Trinitarians, so the idea that there was one religious faith accepted by the Founding Fathers is laughable.

If the argument is that we have a responsibility to preserve the values “on which this country was founded,” then we logically should still practice slavery, be anti-mixed marriage, and women should not have the right to vote. Those were values of society at that time. Picking and choosing societal values from history is never intellectually honest.

Besides, as pointed out above, the Bible does not define marriage as one man/one woman, so which version of those values are we espousing? Polygamy? Child marriage? 

The only intellectually honest objection to gay marriage is “It's icky!” And if you're disgusted by the thought of sex between two men or two women, that's OK. You can be disgusted. But you cannot use that disgust to deny them the benefits of marriage, which is, after all, a civil institution. Marriage is defined by the culture in which you live (just think of the differences in what is required to be married under traditional Christian rules, traditional Jewish rules, traditional Hindu rules, and traditional secular rules. It's all marriage.). And one thing that is very clear is that Christians are to live in the society where they find themselves (Romans 13:1).

My Issues with Contemporary Christianity

If you've been paying attention (and really, why should you? You have your own life.), you might have noticed that I have been not particularly happy with the way current Christianity is going. This morning, I mentally compiled a list of Things I Need to Know, and since my memory is currently reminiscent of Swiss cheese, I need to write it down. So lucky you, you get to see it, too:

1. I need to know why some passages are interpreted in their historical context and some are not. For example, "women keep silent in church" was a direct admonition to a group of women making trouble in one particular church, but it is used as a sledgehammer today.

2. I need to know why "I do not suffer a woman to teach a man" is anything other than Paul's personal preference, and why it means that a woman cannot have any position of leadership in a church. I need to know why it trumps "there is neither male nor female in Christ," too.

3. I need to know why we have elevated marriage and family to be the best way for Christians to honor God (and correspondingly, treating single adults, especially women, like pariahs in the local assembly) when Paul himself said that being single is better, and marriage is best only to avoid sin. See above re: not distinguishing between Paul's personal opinion and God's Word.

4. I need to know why we have put the onus of avoiding being molested on our girl children instead of teaching our sons to control their damn selves.

5. I need to know why we feel the need to use "I don't want to support that lifestyle" as an excuse to push people away from the love of Jesus Christ. I need to know why our discomfort with certain sin patterns trumps "Come to me, ALL who are heavy-laden." I need to know how "You are the light of the world" means that we get to decide who is worthy of our reflection of our Lord and who is not. I need to know how we expect our children to be the salt and light of the world if the world never sees them.

This list may be expanded later.

Living in Enemy Territory

I don't think anyone who reads this blog will think that I am actually comparing my experiences to soldiers behind enemy lines or the civilians in occupied territory, but just in case, this is my disclaimer: The title is only a reference to how it feels to be in the body I was given. It is not an actual attempt to compare my plight to those in much worse living situations than I am.


OK, now to the point of this post. Today, I had a lot on my plate. Errands to run, a job fair over an hour away to attend, cooking to plan and prepare for, cleaning to do in preparation for cooking, an endless pile of laundry, etc. Did I accomplish any of it? Well ... I did laundry, but that's like saying I breathed. Being in  massage school and doing at least 4 massages a week outside of class means daily laundry. But other than that, I went back to sleep.

I'm living with an autoimmune condition exacerbated by stress. There are days when my body will allow itself to be pushed, and there are days when it will not. Today was a day when what my body needed was rest. I re-prioritized some things (the job fair, while I was really looking forward to going, is not vital to my future; my sources of income are lining up nicely without it), and decided that my health was going to have to be top consideration today.

It's been a long and difficult road to get to the point where I can give myself permission to rest and not feel guilty about it. Our society and my family history value accomplishment. "What did you do today?" is a question Americans ask themselves in order to determine whether they have been productive "enough." I come from a line of farmers and ranchers who truly believed that if the sun was up, they had to be working (and many times before the sun rose or after it set). Taking a day to sleep and rest is not in our value system, other than to pay lip service to it.

For years, I have felt like a prisoner in my own body. My endocrine system crashed in my early 20s, causing massive weight gain, diabetes, and hormonal imbalances of all types - adrenal failure, insulin resistance, sex hormone imbalances, neurochemical imbalances in my brain causing depression and anxiety, etc. For 20 years, my body has been The Enemy.

But for the past couple of years, I have tried to change my attitude toward the case of blood, flesh, and bone that houses my soul and spirit. I have tried to love it and to cooperate with it, in hopes that not constantly fighting my own existence would improve my health. And I am gradually becoming more successful with this attitude adjustment. Which leads back to today.

Giving myself permission to rest today was the right decision. It is okay that I didn't cross through all the items of my to-do list. I had to take a longer perspective than just "what did I accomplish today?" The next few weeks are going to require a great deal of energy to get through, and I'm running close to empty as it is. It is not a failure to acknowledge that my body needs not to be pushed past its limits. Rather, it is a healthy choice.

It may sound like I am protesting too much. I might be, because I am still learning how to accept the limits imposed on my spirit by the state of my body. I am learning to be a whole person instead of living behind enemy lines. And I will be a better version of myself tomorrow because I took today to rest.

Room at the Table: An Open Letter to Evangelical Christianity

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ:

Say it with me – I believe in God the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, was crucified under Pontius Pilate, died, and was buried. He descended into hell. On the third day He rose from the dead. He ascended into heaven, where He sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. From thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the universal Christian church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting.*

This is what we all believe, right? This is the core of the Protestant Christian faith. This is the commonality we all hold, the grounds for our identification as Christians and the hope for our eternal future. This is the bond that ties us together in Christ.

So why do I feel like there is no room for me at the table? Why do I feel like there is no place for me in your church? Why am I an outcast?

“What are you talking about?” you ask, genuinely confused. Well, as the young kids these days say, lemme ‘splain you a thing.

I am a middle-aged woman, never married, with no children. According to 1 Corinthians 7, by definition I serve God rather than a husband (since I have no husband). Great. I would love to serve God! And according to Hebrews 10, I am to be part of a local assembly, which seems like the perfect place to serve Him.

Okay! Let’s see where I can serve. Can I be a pastor? Not according to 1 Timothy, since I am a woman. Can I be a deacon? Again, not according to 1 Timothy, even though there were plenty of female deacons in the early church (see the book of Acts). Can I be a teacher of adults? Nope. Not if it means I’m teaching men (1 Timothy 2).

“But you could teach women or children!” you cry. Really? The Evangelical churches teach their daughters that the highest calling of a Christian girl is to marry a nice Christian boy and raise a passel of nice Christian children. Even that has Scriptural support – again in that little book of 1 Timothy, where Paul proclaimed that “women will be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint.” (1 Timothy 1:15) So let’s review: I am a woman who has never married and has no children. How, then, do you believe that I am qualified to teach your lovely daughters how to be Biblical wives and mothers, since I am neither?

By the same argument, because I do not have children, clearly I am not qualified to teach children because I don’t know how to communicate with them or help you rear them properly (this is actually a thing I have been told, by the way – that I have nothing valuable to say about child-rearing because I don’t have any children). After all, you want proper role models for your children, and there’s something suspect about a woman who has reached the age of 44 and never married.

What about music? Well, let’s look at that for a minute. Theoretically, this could be a place I could serve, particularly since I am a musician with over 10 years of classical training. I have even performed in Carnegie Hall. So let’s look at my experience in this area.

The first time I wanted to serve my church in the music ministry, I was told I could not be song leader because I am a woman. A man who lacked my musical qualifications was appointed song leader over me.

The second time I joined a church choir, I dove in head-first. I volunteered for everything, brushed off my piano skills, toured with the choir, and generally felt like I was part of a community and genuinely serving God and my church. Then I got sick and fell out of choir practice. In a choir of about 30 people, in a church of about 2000, guess how many people called or emailed to check on me when I stopped showing up?

Zero.

Not one person. No one that I had sung beside, worked beside, laughed beside, worshiped beside, could be bothered to email or call simply to say, “Hey, are you okay?”

So sure, music is a theoretical possibility. But when I am told that I cannot be in a position that might smack of “leadership,” even though I am the more qualified candidate otherwise, or when it is patently obvious that no one values my contribution enough to even make sure I was still alive after a year of not appearing, it’s difficult to think that this would be at all a rewarding form of service.

There may be other areas of service in a local assembly, but as far as I can tell, the only place a church that holds to traditional Protestant thinking about women’s roles would permit me to participate is prayer meeting. Even then, I wouldn’t be allowed to lead one.

The most frustrating aspect to this is who I have been outside a local assembly of believers. I was an attorney for 20 years. I managed more than one law firm, including supervision of employees. I owned my own business. I was a charter member of a business networking group and helped to grow the group to over 30 members. I know how to be a leader, and I know how to work with men, because when I joined the legal profession, women were still an unrespected minority. In any other context, I am qualified to serve in a position of leadership. But because God made me a woman, even though I am a woman who by definition is to serve Him, I cannot use the skills, education, or brain He blessed me with in church.

There is no place for me at the table. I don’t fit in any pigeonhole, and therefore I am expected to sit quietly in the sanctuary, with no voice.

God has called me to greater service than this. He has poured out gifts on me that I must use in service to my brothers and sisters in Christ, and that I must use in service to our King. I cannot bury my talents; I must find a way to multiply them.

Pastors, please, I beg you – open your eyes to the reality of your congregation’s population. There must be a way to allow single childless women to serve by utilizing their skills and their gifts and their God-given talents without violating Scripture. I do not have all the answers (although I do have opinions, if anyone cares).

Meanwhile, I will go in search of a table that has room for me. God will be there, too, and He will bless my wholehearted desire to serve Him.

*The Apostle’s Creed.

Memorial Day 2013

You know who you are.

You are the first wave on the beach at Normandy.

You are the tunnel rat who never spoke of the horrors you saw at Cu Chi.

You are the Marine wounded in an engagement that was never reported in the newspapers.

You are the pilot shot down over enemy territory.

You are the prisoner of war who never broke under torture.

You are the sailor who was killed on the USS Cole.

You are the officer who risked his life for his men.

You are the shell of a man dying alone in a VA hospital in the middle of nowhere.

You are the one whose eyes fill with tears when you hear the National Anthem.

You are the one who salutes Old Glory.

You are the one interred at Arlington.

You are the one who served with the men memorialized on a black granite wall.

You are the one who answered your country’s call to arms.

You are the unheralded hero, the scorned veteran, the unknown soldier.

You know who you are.

I honor you.

Work in Progress

I was born for sky and water
To gaze upon mountains from above
To play with raptors on the updraft
To rise beyond clouds into endless Sun's light
To bathe in the caressing heat of His touch
Or in the cold salt Sea, buoyed by Her tears

I was born to dive into darkness
To find the denizens of the deep
Unknown, unexplained, unilluminated

I was born for the glory of the heights
The wonders of the ocean's heavy night

Do not tether me to mundane soil
Do not yoke me to plod well-worn paths
I am no mortal prisoner of gravity
Neither Earth nor Fire can bind me

Seek me where the water meets the sky
Find me there and I will show you
The secrets of the curved horizon

(c) 2013 Aeryn Dex

A few thoughts . . .

A friend of mine recently introduced me to the writings of Mark Batterson. Mr. Batterson is the pastor of National Community Church in Washington, D.C. He has also written numerous books on living the Christian life. One of those books is Soulprint: Discovering Your Divine Destiny. Given the things that God is doing in my life right now, I picked up this book and have been amazed at the insight and helpful thoughts it contains. Here are a couple of quotations that I hope bless you as much as they have blessed me.

[W]hat we think of as the goal isn't really the goal.  The goal is not accomplishing the dream God has given to you. The dream is a secondary issue. The primary issue is who you become in the process. We fixate on what and when and where. God's primary concern is always who. And He won't get you where He wants you to go until you become who He wants you to be. ...

Sometimes you have to die to the dream God has given you so that God can resurrect the dream in its glorified form. And by glorified form, I simply mean pursuing the dream for God's glory. When you stop living for selfish purposes, the pressure comes off. And that's when your destiny comes into focus. ...

No one likes to be embarrassed. In fact, we do everything within our power to avoid embarrassment at all costs. But we need to be embarrassed for the same reason we need to fail: it keeps us humble. And humility is the key to fulfilling our destiny. The longer I live and lead, the more convinced I am of this simple truth: God doesn't do what God does because of us. God does what God does in spite of us. All we have to do is stay out of the way. And the way we stay out of the way is by staying humble. If we stay humble, there is nothing God cannot do in us and through us. And nothing expands our capacity for humility like embarrassment. If handled properly, a healthy dose of embarrassment is good for us. Embarrassing moments are like spiritual antioxidants. They purge the ego of prideful impurities. ...

Too many people live as if the purpose of life is to avoid embarrassment at all costs. They never put themselves in situations that might be awkward. So they forfeit joy. They never reveal who they really are. So they forfeit intimacy. They never take risks. So they forfeit opportunity.

I highly recommend this book if you are searching for your own divine destiny.

 

10 Lessons I Have Learned from Living With Cats - #1

Life Lesson #1: Whatever you do, give it your full attention.

Have you ever watched a cat for any length of time? Whatever he does, he does with complete focus. No multi-tasking for a cat, no (at least, not unless he’s one of my kittens, who occasionally get confused about whether they’re playing or grooming). Whether it is watching out the window for a glimpse of a bird or lizard, or batting at a toy, tussling with a sibling – whatever a cat considers important enough to spend time on is important enough for her full attention.

How often do we get bogged down by multi-tasking? Sometimes it’s necessary (I don’t know any mother who has the luxury of doing only one thing at a time), but I have come to the conclusion that whenever possible, it is better to slow down and focus on what you’re doing right now. Give it your full attention. You may be surprised at how much more fulfilling it is, or how much less time it takes (in case of something you really didn’t want to do but had to), or even just how much skill you have in order to accomplish it. If it’s important enough to spend your time on, it’s important enough for your full attention.

How Jeremy Renner Changed My Life

Years ago, I rented a movie called S.W.A.T., mostly because of Colin Farrell, and I noticed that the actor who played his good-cop-gone-bad partner was a good actor, and I was disappointed that he was the bad guy. Over the years, this same guy kept popping up in other things I was watching - Angel, North Country, 28 Weeks Later, etc. By the time he showed up on House, M.D. (in what became one of my favorite episodes, because of him), I had started referring to him as “that guy that I like” because for some reason I could never remember his name.

Then one night, my date and I went to see The Hurt Locker. In the interests of full disclosure, I have a huge kink for all things military – uniforms, camouflage, weapons, war machines,  the whole bit. I was also interested to see how “that guy I like” would do in this kind of role.

He blew me away. The force and conviction of his acting in that role was a quality that is rarely seen in the kinds of movies I like, and I have never been able to forget the scene in the grocery store where Sgt. James is completely overwhelmed by the options and has absolutely no idea what to do – because he has been so institutionalized by the military, where those kinds of choices don’t exist. He was so good, in fact, that my father (a veteran of two wars) tells me he had to keep reminding himself that it was not a documentary.

Mostly because of the camouflage, I walked out of The Hurt Locker thinking not only is- he a great actor, but he’s freakin’ HOT. (What can I say? I’m a sucker for men who look good in camo and are comfortable handling weapons.) I was not surprised in the least that he was nominated for an Oscar.

However, life and other crushes went on, until Thor. When Hawkeye appeared on the screen and I realized who he was, I got giddy. I was very tempted by Mission Impossible:  Ghost Protocol, but my dislike for its titular star outweighed the presence of Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, and Josh Holloway.

So it was not until the double-tap of The Avengers and The Bourne Legacy that I really fell in love. That was when I started actively researching him, reading interviews and articles, hunting down DVDs, and yes, giving in to MI:4. It was also just in time for The Town to hit HBO, and it now resides permanently on my DVR until I can get the DVD.

I’ve had celebrity crushes before. I’ve run fan clubs for some of them. This one is different, because this one has a concrete effect on my life. One day I was thinking about Mr. Renner, and how he has been tapped to take over two major movie franchises (Mission: Impossible and the Bourne series), and is an integral part of the ensemble cast of the Avengers franchise. It occurred to me that he is young enough that he has a long, profitable (and, I am confident, Oscar-winning) career ahead of him.

Then I realized that although he and I are almost exactly the same age (nine weeks apart), I have been behaving as if my own life is basically over. My health has declined to the point where I can no longer be in my current profession, but I have been doing this too long to be qualified to do anything else, so I was simply existing.

When I realized that if Mr. Renner is young enough to consider that he still has a full life ahead of him, and we are the same age, that means that I am young enough, too. That is what inspired me to decide to go back to school and to pursue my life-long dream of being involved in the film industry.

So when you finally see my name on a movie screen with the credit “Written by,” you will know that Jeremy Renner inspired me to get off my couch and start living. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Glaciers move faster than this relationship . . .

So I’ve been seeing this guy for a year. In that time, we’ve progressed from 1-2 emails per week and lunch/movie on Saturday to … 1-2 emails per week plus lunch/movie on Saturday. My birthday was last week. All I got was an email afterthought - at the end of the email, “hope you’re having a good birthday.” He’s nice. I like him. I enjoy the time we do spend together, and it’s nice to have someone buy me lunch and take me to a movie every week. But in that time, he’s never reached for my hand and when I told him he was allowed to kiss me, he blushed and stammered. All that to say - if you happen to run into Gerard Butler, Karl Urban, Richard Armitage, Michael Fassbender, Joe Manganiello, or Jeremy Renner, or even a nice normal guy who’s not so damn shy that he can’t even take my hand, please feel free to send him my way. He must be willing to overlook the facts that I’m still working on my weight issue, probably can’t have children, and won’t give up my cats - which, now that I think about it, are probably the reasons I’m still single. *sigh*

The Etiquette of Being a Fangirl, or: How to Avoid a Restraining Order Without Really Trying

DISCLAIMER:  This is an opinion piece. Despite the clever subtitle, this piece does not constitute legal advice, nor does the reading of this piece create any attorney-client relationship.

            Each of us is a fan of something or someone. It’s human nature to admire other people, hobbies, sports, etc.  This article is dedicated to a subgroup of fans – those of us who admire celebrities – and it is my hope that you will consider what I have to say, and become a better fangirl than you already are. There’s always room for improvement, right?

            The word “fan,” according to Merriam Webster, means “an ardent admirer or enthusiast.” The word apparently comes from the word “fanatic,” which according to the same source, means “marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion.”  Sound familiar?

            Somewhere along the way, the word “fan” stopped being emphatic enough to describe the depth of our devotion, especially to celebrities, and the words “fanboy” and “fangirl” were coined. According to the Urban Dictionary, “fanboy” is used mostly for male gamer geeks, but “fangirl” is used mostly for female geeks who lavish their enthusiasm on actors or fictional characters. For this article, I will use “fangirl” to include all people, regardless of sex or gender identity, who are devoted followers of a celebrity.

            I started thinking about how fangirls behave shortly after creating an account on Tumblr and found my people. The object of my current fangirl crush is Jeremy Renner, who has a large following on Tumblr, but I also know fangirls of Tom Hiddleston, his character from The Avengers and related movies Loki, Landon Donovan (midfielder for the LA Galaxy and US Men’s National Soccer Team), and Sam and Dean Winchester of the TV series Supernatural, to name just a few. Fangirls can create a fandom out of anything or anyone.  We have also redefined the word “obsession,” as I will explain.

            Fangirls use the word “obsession” because frequently the object of our enthusiasm is a ubiquitous, if intangible, presence in our lives. I work out my obsessions by writing original stories using the current object as a mannequin upon which to hang a character. Others paint pictures, write music, or write fanfiction.  These obsessions are usually not harmful, especially to the object, because most fangirls understand that the affection, adoration, and dedication involved is a one-way street. The objects of our obsessions are, for the most part, completely oblivious to the hordes of people who adore them. (Tom Hiddleston is a notable exception, as his Twitter account shows.)  I think that in general, this is the way it should be. Celebrities need to be able to focus on their work and their private lives, and do not need to be distracted or disturbed by the “intense uncritical devotion” we would like to smother them with.

            However, sometimes fangirls can take things too far, presuming on the celebrity’s patience and time. For example, recently when Tom Hiddleston was filming, crowds of people waited outside for him to leave the set. Every day, he would spend as much time as it took to greet them, sign autographs, take pictures, and generally be an awesome person. But did it occur to any of those people that he might be tired and need to go rest before filming again the next day? I don’t know the answer to that. I wasn’t there. But it seems to me that taking Mr. Hiddleston’s attention away from his work may endanger not only his ability to maintain his filming schedule, but also his connection with his fan base. At some point in the future, if his fans keep this up, he will have to choose between work and his fans. He will be forced to withdraw from us, and then what?

            An even more extreme example of a celebrity’s unpleasant experience with a fan happened to Jeremy Renner. After rebuffing a fan’s advances, the fan stole his cat. Let me repeat that. The “fan” stole. his. cat. Is it any wonder that Mr. Renner now takes extra measures to keep his private life private?

            Which brings me to the whole point of this rambling. The key to being a good fangirl is simple: Remember that the person you love, the one you have long conversations with in your head, the one who may feature in your sexual fantasies – that person does not exist. He (or she) is merely an amalgam of interview snippets, characters, and photographs. The actual person has his own dreams, desires, and ambitions, and they do not include you. Even if you are blessed enough to spend a few minutes in his company and he is polite and charming (I witnessed an act of kindness by Nathan Fillion that ensured that I will be his fan forever), he does not know you. He owes you nothing.

            So, here are the very simple rules for being a fangirl:

1. Respect the privacy of the person you adore.

2. Make no demands on his time or his person that he does not initiate. If he does initiate contact, such as an autograph session or appearance at a con, remember not to overtax his good nature.

3. Remember the difference between fantasy and reality.

            That’s it. That’s all there is to it. It’s not always easy, it’s not always fun, but it’s the way both to keep your own sanity and not end up on the wrong side of a restraining order.             

A Bit of Poetry

OK, so today is National Poetry Day in the UK. This year’s theme is stars.

However, since I don’t live in the UK, I’m going to post a poem with my own theme. I’m an American rebel that way. :-) This poem is dedicated to all the people who are in love with people who don’t know they exist. It is, after all, a love offering from a fangirl.

YOU

You don’t know me
You’ve never seen me
If we met on the street 
You wouldn’t know to greet me
You’ve never heard my voice
Never felt my touch
So how is it possible 
I could love you so much?

You don’t know this
But you go everywhere with me
I talk to you constantly
You’re beside me in the car
And walking down the street
And when I crawl into my cold bed
The pillow becomes your shoulder
I can feel your arms around me
And your warmth lulls me to sleep
Your breath on my skin
Your voice in my head

You don’t know me
If you knew how you haunt me
You’d be wary of me
There’s no need to be
I will never tell you how I feel
Never take that chance
My soul would wither
Shrivel and waste away
If I looked into your eyes
And saw nothing

You don’t want me
How could you possibly
Leave me my dreams
They’re all I have of you
And more than you have of me
I will leave you in peace
Leave you to your own dreams
I wish that you would dream of me
But you don’t know me

(c) 2002 Erin M. Allen