Oh my sweet merciful heavens - or: How Aeryn Rediscovers the Luxury of Being a Girl

Listen up, my children, while I 'splain you a thing. I want to announce to the men of the world that it is a shame ain't no one wants to touch this, because I feel sexy and silky ALL OVER and I am about to share with you ALL THE SECRETS.

Once upon a time there was a Canadian cosmetics company called LUSH, who generously shared its products with its rambunctious neighbor to the south. A fairy princess who walks this fair land under the pseudonym Miranda initiated yours truly into the mysteries of this company, and now I pass them on to you, Gentle Reader.

Wash the face with the cleanser of your choice (mine is Fresh Farmacy). Spread on the appropriate mask. My first experience was with BB Seaweed, which was entirely satisfactory except for the "Hi, I'm Seaweed. I'll be the hole in your mask today."

While the mask is tightening, apply Roots hair treatment to the scalp and work completely through hair to the ends.

Then run a warm to hot bath. Drop one of the many exquisite bath bombs into the running water. I can recommend both Butterball and Sex Bomb. Sex Bomb comes with its own little rose of bubbly goodness, as well. Some people recommend adding bubble bars, as well.

While luxuriating in the warm lavishing of the enhanced waters, shave your legs and other areas. I have discovered the superiority of the Venus Embrace, as its 5 blades make quick work of even the bear pelt on my legs and its floating head handles flab well.

When you think your legs and other areas are smooth, think again. Take generous scoops of Ocean Salt and scrub all over. Then drain the tub and turn on the shower. Shampoo the treatment out of your hair, rinse the mask and scrub off your face and body.

If you think you're finished when you towel off, you are wrong. Emollients! Soften Full of Grace in your hands and spread it all over your face, even your eyelids. Lovely Jubblies (basically bag cream for humans) goes on your bosom and anywhere else you want a tightening effect ("I'm sorry, did you just say ALL OVER MY BODY????").

Finish the luxury with Helping Hands hand lotion and your choice of lip scrub (I LOVE Mint Julips). Yes, I said LIP SCRUB. It's a sugar scrub FOR YOUR LIPS. It tastes lovely and leaves the lips oh-so-kissable. Too bad no one wants to kiss them ...