Musings

I was raised to live with an attitude of unconditional love. To look at the world with acceptance. To treat people the way I want to be treated, with grace and compassion. To withhold judgment until I knew all the circumstances.

It’s a bit sobering to realize that I am now modeling these values for the very people who instilled them in me, because society has reached their limits of tolerance and compassion. It's troublesome to look around at my fellow believers and followers of Christ and to see harsh judgment instead of sympathy and empathy. 

Is there a certain age at which we are no longer flexible enough in our minds and hearts to embrace those whose experiences are so very different from our own? 

Is there a moment at which we no longer interpret the commandment to love one another as Jesus Christ loves us to mean that we try to understand a differing point of view rather than flatly labeling it as sin and anathema?

Why are we so quick to judge, when we are commanded not to do so?

Why are we so quick to disapprove of someone else's attempt to live life as authentically as they can, and so quick to assume that that person is somehow not worthy of our respect because they are struggling in a way we cannot understand?

Why do we feel that we have the authority to dismiss another person as unworthy of unconditional love? Why do we feel justified in disgust, anger, and hatred?

Where is Jesus Christ in that? 

Why Christians Don't Get to Object to Gay Marriage

I've been thinking about this one for a long time, too. Below are the most common reasons I've heard Christians use to justify their objections, and my objections to those reasons. Please read this seriously and give it some thought. If, after you have thought it through FOR YOURSELF, you still don't agree with me, that's OK. Just make sure you have reasoned and logical reasons, and you're not simply spouting rhetoric you've heard on Christian radio or whatever.

“The Bible says marriage is between one man and one woman!”

Really? Let's take a look. Yes, God created Eve for Adam. The Bible does not tell us whether Adam took another wife; however, legend does tell us that Eve may not have been his only wife.

Even if the original plan was one man/one woman, a cursory reading of the Bible tells us that this was hardly ever the case. Abraham was not criticized for taking Hagar to wife; he was criticized for his lack of faith that the promised son would come from Sarah. David was never criticized for having multiple wives, and he was called a man after God's own heart. Solomon was not criticized for his political marriages; he was criticized for permitting them to lead him away from Jehovah. The only comment on the subject in the New Testament is in 1 Timothy, where a pastor must be husband to only one wife.

Using the Bible to object to same-sex marriage mischaracterizes the Bible. The Bible does not define marriage.

“I don't want to support that lifestyle!”

Let's break this one down. You, as a believer in Jesus Christ, don't want to support a lifestyle of sin. (For purposes of this discussion, we will assume that homosexuality is a sin.) So that means that you will also not support the lifestyle of anyone who gets drunk regularly (Ephesians 5:17), anyone who uses profanity regularly (Ephesians 5:4), anyone who exasperates their children (Ephesians 6:4), etc. You get the picture. If you want to say that you cannot support a sinful lifestyle, then you have to reject all sinners, not just the ones who disgust you. And since every one of us is a sinner (Romans 3:23), are you going to reject yourself? No? Then you can't reject anyone else, either.

Let's also remember that many people who identify as homosexual are not Christians (unbelievers). Without the filling of the Holy Spirit, they have no way to do anything other than sin.

And as for the professing Christians who are also homosexual, you have not been appointed their personal Holy Spirit. Their choices are between them and God. Not your business, not mine. Your business and mine is to reflect the grace of Jesus Christ.

“Hate the sin, love the sinner!”

Newsflash: When someone tells you “I love you, but I hate what you're doing,” all you hear is “I hate.” And our God is love. Our Lord invited all to His table. He promises rest to anyone who comes. And He paid the penalty for all sin, so exactly what is it you think you're promoting? Sin has been forgiven. You don't get to judge someone else's sin, not when your Savior has paid the penalty for it.

If you're dealing with an unbeliever, the only issue is what they think of Jesus Christ. Sin is an issue for BELIEVERS, because we're the ones who have temporal consequences of sin – we're the ones for whom 1 John 1:9 is written. Believers have to confess our sins so that fellowship with God is restored. Unbelievers don't have this option. All they can do is accept Jesus Christ as their Savior.

“America was founded as a Christian nation! We have to preserve Christian values!”

Let's take a look at history, shall we? Yes, the Puritans came over to escape religious persecution by the Catholic Church and the Church of England. However, the Puritans exhibited the same astonishing lack of grace to anyone who didn't fit their narrow notion of what Christianity should be. And at that time, they considered themselves English colonists.

The move for independence from England was political, not religious. It was spurred by taxation issues and other issues regarding the governance of the colonies.

The group of men generally considered as the Founding Fathers consisted of both Christians and Deists. Some of the Christians were Unitarians rather than Trinitarians, so the idea that there was one religious faith accepted by the Founding Fathers is laughable.

If the argument is that we have a responsibility to preserve the values “on which this country was founded,” then we logically should still practice slavery, be anti-mixed marriage, and women should not have the right to vote. Those were values of society at that time. Picking and choosing societal values from history is never intellectually honest.

Besides, as pointed out above, the Bible does not define marriage as one man/one woman, so which version of those values are we espousing? Polygamy? Child marriage? 

The only intellectually honest objection to gay marriage is “It's icky!” And if you're disgusted by the thought of sex between two men or two women, that's OK. You can be disgusted. But you cannot use that disgust to deny them the benefits of marriage, which is, after all, a civil institution. Marriage is defined by the culture in which you live (just think of the differences in what is required to be married under traditional Christian rules, traditional Jewish rules, traditional Hindu rules, and traditional secular rules. It's all marriage.). And one thing that is very clear is that Christians are to live in the society where they find themselves (Romans 13:1).

My Issues with Contemporary Christianity

If you've been paying attention (and really, why should you? You have your own life.), you might have noticed that I have been not particularly happy with the way current Christianity is going. This morning, I mentally compiled a list of Things I Need to Know, and since my memory is currently reminiscent of Swiss cheese, I need to write it down. So lucky you, you get to see it, too:

1. I need to know why some passages are interpreted in their historical context and some are not. For example, "women keep silent in church" was a direct admonition to a group of women making trouble in one particular church, but it is used as a sledgehammer today.

2. I need to know why "I do not suffer a woman to teach a man" is anything other than Paul's personal preference, and why it means that a woman cannot have any position of leadership in a church. I need to know why it trumps "there is neither male nor female in Christ," too.

3. I need to know why we have elevated marriage and family to be the best way for Christians to honor God (and correspondingly, treating single adults, especially women, like pariahs in the local assembly) when Paul himself said that being single is better, and marriage is best only to avoid sin. See above re: not distinguishing between Paul's personal opinion and God's Word.

4. I need to know why we have put the onus of avoiding being molested on our girl children instead of teaching our sons to control their damn selves.

5. I need to know why we feel the need to use "I don't want to support that lifestyle" as an excuse to push people away from the love of Jesus Christ. I need to know why our discomfort with certain sin patterns trumps "Come to me, ALL who are heavy-laden." I need to know how "You are the light of the world" means that we get to decide who is worthy of our reflection of our Lord and who is not. I need to know how we expect our children to be the salt and light of the world if the world never sees them.

This list may be expanded later.

Living in Enemy Territory

I don't think anyone who reads this blog will think that I am actually comparing my experiences to soldiers behind enemy lines or the civilians in occupied territory, but just in case, this is my disclaimer: The title is only a reference to how it feels to be in the body I was given. It is not an actual attempt to compare my plight to those in much worse living situations than I am.


OK, now to the point of this post. Today, I had a lot on my plate. Errands to run, a job fair over an hour away to attend, cooking to plan and prepare for, cleaning to do in preparation for cooking, an endless pile of laundry, etc. Did I accomplish any of it? Well ... I did laundry, but that's like saying I breathed. Being in  massage school and doing at least 4 massages a week outside of class means daily laundry. But other than that, I went back to sleep.

I'm living with an autoimmune condition exacerbated by stress. There are days when my body will allow itself to be pushed, and there are days when it will not. Today was a day when what my body needed was rest. I re-prioritized some things (the job fair, while I was really looking forward to going, is not vital to my future; my sources of income are lining up nicely without it), and decided that my health was going to have to be top consideration today.

It's been a long and difficult road to get to the point where I can give myself permission to rest and not feel guilty about it. Our society and my family history value accomplishment. "What did you do today?" is a question Americans ask themselves in order to determine whether they have been productive "enough." I come from a line of farmers and ranchers who truly believed that if the sun was up, they had to be working (and many times before the sun rose or after it set). Taking a day to sleep and rest is not in our value system, other than to pay lip service to it.

For years, I have felt like a prisoner in my own body. My endocrine system crashed in my early 20s, causing massive weight gain, diabetes, and hormonal imbalances of all types - adrenal failure, insulin resistance, sex hormone imbalances, neurochemical imbalances in my brain causing depression and anxiety, etc. For 20 years, my body has been The Enemy.

But for the past couple of years, I have tried to change my attitude toward the case of blood, flesh, and bone that houses my soul and spirit. I have tried to love it and to cooperate with it, in hopes that not constantly fighting my own existence would improve my health. And I am gradually becoming more successful with this attitude adjustment. Which leads back to today.

Giving myself permission to rest today was the right decision. It is okay that I didn't cross through all the items of my to-do list. I had to take a longer perspective than just "what did I accomplish today?" The next few weeks are going to require a great deal of energy to get through, and I'm running close to empty as it is. It is not a failure to acknowledge that my body needs not to be pushed past its limits. Rather, it is a healthy choice.

It may sound like I am protesting too much. I might be, because I am still learning how to accept the limits imposed on my spirit by the state of my body. I am learning to be a whole person instead of living behind enemy lines. And I will be a better version of myself tomorrow because I took today to rest.

Room at the Table: An Open Letter to Evangelical Christianity

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ:

Say it with me – I believe in God the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, was crucified under Pontius Pilate, died, and was buried. He descended into hell. On the third day He rose from the dead. He ascended into heaven, where He sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. From thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the universal Christian church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting.*

This is what we all believe, right? This is the core of the Protestant Christian faith. This is the commonality we all hold, the grounds for our identification as Christians and the hope for our eternal future. This is the bond that ties us together in Christ.

So why do I feel like there is no room for me at the table? Why do I feel like there is no place for me in your church? Why am I an outcast?

“What are you talking about?” you ask, genuinely confused. Well, as the young kids these days say, lemme ‘splain you a thing.

I am a middle-aged woman, never married, with no children. According to 1 Corinthians 7, by definition I serve God rather than a husband (since I have no husband). Great. I would love to serve God! And according to Hebrews 10, I am to be part of a local assembly, which seems like the perfect place to serve Him.

Okay! Let’s see where I can serve. Can I be a pastor? Not according to 1 Timothy, since I am a woman. Can I be a deacon? Again, not according to 1 Timothy, even though there were plenty of female deacons in the early church (see the book of Acts). Can I be a teacher of adults? Nope. Not if it means I’m teaching men (1 Timothy 2).

“But you could teach women or children!” you cry. Really? The Evangelical churches teach their daughters that the highest calling of a Christian girl is to marry a nice Christian boy and raise a passel of nice Christian children. Even that has Scriptural support – again in that little book of 1 Timothy, where Paul proclaimed that “women will be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint.” (1 Timothy 1:15) So let’s review: I am a woman who has never married and has no children. How, then, do you believe that I am qualified to teach your lovely daughters how to be Biblical wives and mothers, since I am neither?

By the same argument, because I do not have children, clearly I am not qualified to teach children because I don’t know how to communicate with them or help you rear them properly (this is actually a thing I have been told, by the way – that I have nothing valuable to say about child-rearing because I don’t have any children). After all, you want proper role models for your children, and there’s something suspect about a woman who has reached the age of 44 and never married.

What about music? Well, let’s look at that for a minute. Theoretically, this could be a place I could serve, particularly since I am a musician with over 10 years of classical training. I have even performed in Carnegie Hall. So let’s look at my experience in this area.

The first time I wanted to serve my church in the music ministry, I was told I could not be song leader because I am a woman. A man who lacked my musical qualifications was appointed song leader over me.

The second time I joined a church choir, I dove in head-first. I volunteered for everything, brushed off my piano skills, toured with the choir, and generally felt like I was part of a community and genuinely serving God and my church. Then I got sick and fell out of choir practice. In a choir of about 30 people, in a church of about 2000, guess how many people called or emailed to check on me when I stopped showing up?

Zero.

Not one person. No one that I had sung beside, worked beside, laughed beside, worshiped beside, could be bothered to email or call simply to say, “Hey, are you okay?”

So sure, music is a theoretical possibility. But when I am told that I cannot be in a position that might smack of “leadership,” even though I am the more qualified candidate otherwise, or when it is patently obvious that no one values my contribution enough to even make sure I was still alive after a year of not appearing, it’s difficult to think that this would be at all a rewarding form of service.

There may be other areas of service in a local assembly, but as far as I can tell, the only place a church that holds to traditional Protestant thinking about women’s roles would permit me to participate is prayer meeting. Even then, I wouldn’t be allowed to lead one.

The most frustrating aspect to this is who I have been outside a local assembly of believers. I was an attorney for 20 years. I managed more than one law firm, including supervision of employees. I owned my own business. I was a charter member of a business networking group and helped to grow the group to over 30 members. I know how to be a leader, and I know how to work with men, because when I joined the legal profession, women were still an unrespected minority. In any other context, I am qualified to serve in a position of leadership. But because God made me a woman, even though I am a woman who by definition is to serve Him, I cannot use the skills, education, or brain He blessed me with in church.

There is no place for me at the table. I don’t fit in any pigeonhole, and therefore I am expected to sit quietly in the sanctuary, with no voice.

God has called me to greater service than this. He has poured out gifts on me that I must use in service to my brothers and sisters in Christ, and that I must use in service to our King. I cannot bury my talents; I must find a way to multiply them.

Pastors, please, I beg you – open your eyes to the reality of your congregation’s population. There must be a way to allow single childless women to serve by utilizing their skills and their gifts and their God-given talents without violating Scripture. I do not have all the answers (although I do have opinions, if anyone cares).

Meanwhile, I will go in search of a table that has room for me. God will be there, too, and He will bless my wholehearted desire to serve Him.

*The Apostle’s Creed.

Oh my sweet merciful heavens - or: How Aeryn Rediscovers the Luxury of Being a Girl

Listen up, my children, while I 'splain you a thing. I want to announce to the men of the world that it is a shame ain't no one wants to touch this, because I feel sexy and silky ALL OVER and I am about to share with you ALL THE SECRETS.

Once upon a time there was a Canadian cosmetics company called LUSH, who generously shared its products with its rambunctious neighbor to the south. A fairy princess who walks this fair land under the pseudonym Miranda initiated yours truly into the mysteries of this company, and now I pass them on to you, Gentle Reader.

Wash the face with the cleanser of your choice (mine is Fresh Farmacy). Spread on the appropriate mask. My first experience was with BB Seaweed, which was entirely satisfactory except for the "Hi, I'm Seaweed. I'll be the hole in your mask today."

While the mask is tightening, apply Roots hair treatment to the scalp and work completely through hair to the ends.

Then run a warm to hot bath. Drop one of the many exquisite bath bombs into the running water. I can recommend both Butterball and Sex Bomb. Sex Bomb comes with its own little rose of bubbly goodness, as well. Some people recommend adding bubble bars, as well.

While luxuriating in the warm lavishing of the enhanced waters, shave your legs and other areas. I have discovered the superiority of the Venus Embrace, as its 5 blades make quick work of even the bear pelt on my legs and its floating head handles flab well.

When you think your legs and other areas are smooth, think again. Take generous scoops of Ocean Salt and scrub all over. Then drain the tub and turn on the shower. Shampoo the treatment out of your hair, rinse the mask and scrub off your face and body.

If you think you're finished when you towel off, you are wrong. Emollients! Soften Full of Grace in your hands and spread it all over your face, even your eyelids. Lovely Jubblies (basically bag cream for humans) goes on your bosom and anywhere else you want a tightening effect ("I'm sorry, did you just say ALL OVER MY BODY????").

Finish the luxury with Helping Hands hand lotion and your choice of lip scrub (I LOVE Mint Julips). Yes, I said LIP SCRUB. It's a sugar scrub FOR YOUR LIPS. It tastes lovely and leaves the lips oh-so-kissable. Too bad no one wants to kiss them ...

A Christian Perspective on Dysmorphia

Been thinking a lot about my transgender friend, since he had his chest reconstruction surgery. I know the attitude of most Christians is that God doesn't make mistakes and that people who experience dysmorphia between their physical gender and the gender they feel in their soul are somehow wrong, ungrateful, or sinning. I can't think that.

While obviously I agree that God is perfect and that when He created this universe, He created it perfectly, I believe that since the Fall, sin has permeated and polluted our world. Genesis 3 supports this belief. Genesis 2 implies that human souls are created male and female. And so, I have no trouble following logic to the next step, which is that it is entirely possible, due to the aggregate pollution (both literal and metaphysical) of the world and the human genome, for a person to be born in the wrong-gendered body. 

I have never had this type of dysmorphia issue. I cannot even imagine how it must feel. Even though I was a complete tomboy growing up - I gravitated to the boys for play, I spent equal time or more with my Legos and little green soldiers as I did with my Barbies - I have always felt female. I cannot judge someone for feeling things that I have no personal context for understanding or even imagining. I am no position to determine whether someone who decides to travel the extraordinarily difficult road of changing gender - legally, physically, socially - is right or wrong to do so. 

What I can do is offer unconditional acceptance, encouragement, and support for someone who is facing such an enormous burden. I think that attitude correctly reflects Jesus Christ. I am not afraid to stand up for what is right, true, and moral, but this situation requires discretion, discernment, and most of all, love. I can respect my friend for choosing to spend the time, money, and emotional effort to make his outward appearance congruent with his inward identity without any judgment. And I can be grateful that God provided him a loving and supportive wife, since his decisions cost him his biological family.