2018. That whole "new year, new me" thing is just weird, if not an outright lie, so I'm not saying that. But I am making a change that, while it may sound inane to you, is incredibly important to me.
I'm not worrying about my weight this year.
My mother first put me on a diet when I was 10 years old. I've been struggling against an endocrine system that shut down when I hit puberty (if not before) ever since. It's been a losing battle. Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) causes insulin resistance, which means my body does not convert food to energy. It converts food to fat and stores it. Now, medical science can treat PCOS, but when I was diagnosed 25 years ago, the doctor told me that there was nothing they could do for it and that I would need intervention to have children. So it went untreated until I developed diabetes from that insulin resistance.
So, I'm fat. Not because I want to be, not because I could diet and exercise my way to thin (remind me to tell you about my gym experience). No, I am fat because my body does not work. It's taken me 25 years to accept that this is where I am, and this is where I will be until menopause. There's a ray of hope at that point, but I'm not there yet.
And yet, my current weight and body type are advantages in my current profession. I am stronger than I look, able to give deep pressure, and I'm not threatening to jealous wives. A lot of big men end up on my table because I can handle them.
The only results of my 37-year-long battle with my body are self-hate, self-sabotage, and an inferiority complex. I'm done with those. This year, 2018, I am focusing on improving other things about my life: I am learning to love myself exactly the way I am.
This is not to say I'm going to be binging on junk food and soda. No, I will eat the way I know my body will feel its best, and I will move as much as I can. I'm just not going to obsess over how I look.
This is me. This is who I am. And I am worth loving, just the way I am.
