Living in Enemy Territory

I don't think anyone who reads this blog will think that I am actually comparing my experiences to soldiers behind enemy lines or the civilians in occupied territory, but just in case, this is my disclaimer: The title is only a reference to how it feels to be in the body I was given. It is not an actual attempt to compare my plight to those in much worse living situations than I am.


OK, now to the point of this post. Today, I had a lot on my plate. Errands to run, a job fair over an hour away to attend, cooking to plan and prepare for, cleaning to do in preparation for cooking, an endless pile of laundry, etc. Did I accomplish any of it? Well ... I did laundry, but that's like saying I breathed. Being in  massage school and doing at least 4 massages a week outside of class means daily laundry. But other than that, I went back to sleep.

I'm living with an autoimmune condition exacerbated by stress. There are days when my body will allow itself to be pushed, and there are days when it will not. Today was a day when what my body needed was rest. I re-prioritized some things (the job fair, while I was really looking forward to going, is not vital to my future; my sources of income are lining up nicely without it), and decided that my health was going to have to be top consideration today.

It's been a long and difficult road to get to the point where I can give myself permission to rest and not feel guilty about it. Our society and my family history value accomplishment. "What did you do today?" is a question Americans ask themselves in order to determine whether they have been productive "enough." I come from a line of farmers and ranchers who truly believed that if the sun was up, they had to be working (and many times before the sun rose or after it set). Taking a day to sleep and rest is not in our value system, other than to pay lip service to it.

For years, I have felt like a prisoner in my own body. My endocrine system crashed in my early 20s, causing massive weight gain, diabetes, and hormonal imbalances of all types - adrenal failure, insulin resistance, sex hormone imbalances, neurochemical imbalances in my brain causing depression and anxiety, etc. For 20 years, my body has been The Enemy.

But for the past couple of years, I have tried to change my attitude toward the case of blood, flesh, and bone that houses my soul and spirit. I have tried to love it and to cooperate with it, in hopes that not constantly fighting my own existence would improve my health. And I am gradually becoming more successful with this attitude adjustment. Which leads back to today.

Giving myself permission to rest today was the right decision. It is okay that I didn't cross through all the items of my to-do list. I had to take a longer perspective than just "what did I accomplish today?" The next few weeks are going to require a great deal of energy to get through, and I'm running close to empty as it is. It is not a failure to acknowledge that my body needs not to be pushed past its limits. Rather, it is a healthy choice.

It may sound like I am protesting too much. I might be, because I am still learning how to accept the limits imposed on my spirit by the state of my body. I am learning to be a whole person instead of living behind enemy lines. And I will be a better version of myself tomorrow because I took today to rest.

Let's Talk about Depression

Did you know that the latest estimate is that one out of every ten adult Americans has depression?¹ That is 10% of the adult population of the United States.  In 2007, suicide was the tenth leading cause of death in the United States; third for people ages 15 to 24.² The National Institute for Mental Health estimates that depression is a major cause for suicide in 90% of cases.³  That means that nearly one in ten people who have depression will commit suicide. That is a noticeable number of preventable deaths. And yet, no one talks about it. We hide it, or sweep it under the rug, or tough it out. Depression is still a taboo subject for most people, which means that when someone we know does commit suicide because of depression, we are usually shocked and surprised.

In the interests of full disclosure, I have depression. I have had at least three major depressive episodes in my life, the first of which means that there are five years of my childhood that I do not remember. During that first major depressive episode, I came up with my suicide plan, so that I would have a way out if things got bad enough. Every morning, I would wake up and think, “Is it bad enough?” Every night, I would review the day and think, “Is it bad enough?” Obviously, the answer was always “no,” or I would not be writing this now, but the point is, it happened. I never told anyone about these thoughts because I did not want to add to the stress of the situation.

My second major depressive episode retreated (I can’t say it ended because I’m not sure it really did) when I changed my circumstances. The third one, though, was worse, and when it got to the point where I was seriously contemplating suicide again, I went to the doctor. She gave me antidepressants, which have literally saved my life.

As a teenager, I never told my family about my depression or suicidal thoughts because I did not want to add to the stress of the situation we were going through at the time. I did not think I was important enough. Given the high rate of suicide among teenagers and young adults, it’s time to bring depression out into the open, look at it in the light of day, and dispel the idea that there is something shameful about being depressed. First, let’s look at what depression is not. Then we’ll look at what depression is, and treatment options.

What Depression is NOT

1. Depression is not just feeling sad. There are eight factors in the official diagnosis of depression, which will be discussed later, but only one of them is feelings of sadness.

2. Depression is not a spiritual problem. There are some religious leaders who claim that depression is a symptom of lack of faith. There is no justification for this claim, and my personal experience is exactly the opposite. My faith is strong. My depression has nothing to do with my faith; in fact, when the depression is bad, suicide seems more tempting because I know where I’m going when I die, and it will be a place of no more sorrow and no more tears.

3. Depression is not shameful. Most professionals believe that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain or in the endocrine system.⁴ Other health issues, such as diabetes, are also caused by chemical imbalance in the body, but are not treated as shameful.

What Depression Is

1. Depression is complicated.  For major depression, the medical community generally looks for five of the following eight symptoms: little interest or pleasure in doing things, feeling down, depressed, or hopeless, trouble falling or staying asleep or trouble waking up, feeling tired, poor appetite or overeating, feeling like you are a failure or you let yourself or your family down, difficulty concentrating, and either speaking and moving so quickly or slowly that other people notice.⁵ Fewer than five of these symptoms can indicate depression, as well.

2. Depression is treatable. Depending on who you talk to, medication may or may not be the first line of treatment for you. Medication is a common treatment, but it is not the only one. Therapy works for some people, for some types of depression. It may take some time to find the right combination of techniques, but once you do, you’ll realize that even though you thought you were seeing the world in color, you were really seeing it in black and white.

3. Depression is common. You are not alone. See the numbers at the beginning of this article for the statistics. You are not at fault for your depression. You are worth the time and effort to be diagnosed and treated.

What to Do if You Think You May Have Depression

1. Go to the doctor. I cannot emphasize this point enough, so I will say it again. GO TO THE DOCTOR. Your primary care physician can prescribe antidepressants. You do not need to see a psychiatrist. Take the meds. Trust me on this. They have saved my life. Let them save yours.

2. Try self-help. Vitamin D deficiency can cause depression, so add a good Vitamin D supplement to your diet. It should be liquid or a gelcap, and you need to take it with food. If you take a prescription antidepressant, add folic acid to your vitamin regime; it helps make the antidepressant more effective. Do NOT reach for alcohol; alcohol itself is a depressant, and will only make your depression worse. Other things you can try are exercise, sleep, and finding the right diet for you.

3. Find someone to talk to. Sometimes the medications and vitamin supplements, or other self-help remedies, cannot overcome the depression. It doesn’t have to be a therapist. Find someone who can be a friend when you need one.

What to Do if You Have a Friend with Depression

It can be difficult for someone who has never suffered from depression to understand how it really works. Depression, even treated, does not go away completely if it is not caused by circumstance. Keep in mind the Abilify commercials with the dark cloud following a person around. Even under control, the cloud is still there; it just does not direct the person’s behavior. So how can you help your friend who has depression?

1. Listen. Even if you think your friend’s problems are petty or silly, to a person with depression, they are important and overwhelming. Listen to the words, and also to what is not said.

2. Educate yourself. Learn what depression is and is not, so that you know when your friend is speaking from depression and when there may be a different cause.

3. Encourage your friend to get treatment. When a person is depressed, sometimes he cannot see the problem. It may take some education by you for your friend to understand that she is depressed and should seek help.

What NOT to Do if You Have a Friend with Depression

1. Don’t offer an easy answer. “Cheer up,” “have faith,” “it’s not that bad” – none of those are helpful to a person in the throes of depression. If we could cheer up, we would. And what may not seem bad to you may be overwhelming to someone else.

2. Don’t trivialize it. Don’t say “I know how you feel” unless you too have depression, because you don’t know.

3. Don’t turn away. A person with depression needs friends. You never know if a conversation with you is keeping a person from harming himself.

Depression is an insidious condition that can sneak up on a person, developing over time so gradually that the person does not realize how far he has sunk. You can help fight depression and the suicide statistics by education and discussion. Depression should no longer be considered shameful or somehow the fault of the person who has it. Talk about it.

¹CDC, http://www.cdc.gov/features/dsdepression/index.html

² NIMH, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/suicide-in-the-us-statistics-and-prevention/index.shtml

³ NIMH, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/suicide-in-the-us-statistics-and-prevention/index.shtml

⁴ http://www.allaboutdepression.com/cau_02.html

⁵CDC, http://www.cdc.gov/features/dsdepression/index.html

God Manifest

Feeling a little stunned right now. At lunch yesterday, Caitlin and I were talking about living passively as opposed to living actively, and how we can change our lives if we choose to do so. She's found a book along the lines of the principles of attraction, and was talking about manifesting her dreams. Of course, my approach is a little different, but she asked me, "Why not manifest perfect health for yourself?"

I thought a lot about that yesterday, because the day before I'd heard from the doctor about my blood test results, and they were terrible. Several years ago, I prayed for God to heal my mother's kidney disease, and it is ever so slowly (but noticeably) reversing itself. I know several stories of divine healing, and I began to wonder why I never asked for it for myself. So last night, I told God that I don't need to manifest perfect health for myself, because He can manifest it if He chooses to do so.

This morning, this article about corn gluten appeared in my Facebook feed. I followed the link and found this article detailing all the diseases that have been connected to non-celiac gluten sensitivity.

Everything I've been diagnosed with is on this list. Everything.

So I decided to see if any doctor who follows the principles of the Gluten Free Society is in the area. Guess what? The founder is in Sugar Land. A 3-hour drive. And there's a life coach in Round Rock who's been through the first level of his GF certification. Round Rock. I drive there regularly to visit friends.

Could the solution really be that easy? That close? All I have to do is reach out and take it? And there are two guides within driving distance who can help? If I can recover and maintain perfect health by eliminating all gluten from my diet, why should I not do it? It's such a simple solution. And by "simple" I do NOT mean "easy." From what I can tell, what the GFS calls a "true gluten free" diet is actually grain-free.

I will need coaching and guidance and encouragement, but it would be all worthwhile if my body would heal and start working properly.

The timing is so significant. Rarely have my prayers been answered so promptly. "You want perfect health? Here. Here's the way to do it." God is so amazing.

Living with a Chronic Illness - To Clean or Not to Clean?

It's hard enough to keep your living space clean when you're not ill. So how can you keep up when you are? How do you clean the bathroom when you can barely stand? Keep the floor clean when you don't have the strength to push a carpet cleaner around?

Obviously, the easiest thing to do is to hire someone to do it for you. But really, how many of us can afford that? So if you, like me, have to do it yourself, here are the products that help me try to keep the dust and cat hair under control. Hopefully some of them will help you.

1. A good vacuum cleaner is a must. If you're like me, you don't want a heavy carpet sweeper, and you need something that will clean both carpet and hard floors. I use the Miele Neptune. It's a bit pricey, but it's a great canister vacuum with all the necessary attachments. The wand and heads will fit under most furniture, and it has two filters. Lightweight, easy to carry around, and very good suction.

2. For mopping, the Swiffer Wet Jet is everything the commercials promise. The liquid is safe for children and pets, and when you've finished mopping, just take the pad off and throw it away. Nothing could be easier, and it smells fresh and clean.

3. Dusting is a chore no matter what. I love the Swiffer Duster because it gets into all the nooks and crannies and traps the dust in itself. And again, when it's full, throw it away. I love disposable stuff, can you tell? :-)

4. The Mr. Clean Magic Eraser line of products are fabulous. It wipes off counters, cleans grease from the stovetop, gets dark spots off from the stainless steel sink, and I even cleaned the metal part of my crock pot with it today. Also works great in the bathroom to get hard water spots off the counter and spigot. They have the regular, the extra strength, and big ones for the bathroom.

5. Speaking of bathroom, the easiest way to clean the toilet ever is with Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush. The brushes have the cleaner inside them - insert them into the wand, swish around the bowl, and release the brushes when you're done. They flush! I am such a big fan of these. There are also scrubbers for really tough stains. And then to finish the bathroom, wiping down all the surfaces, Scrubbing Bubbles also makes flushable antibacterial wipes!

So what have you found that makes chores easier? Particularly vacuum cleaners, because I know that Mieles don't fit everyone's budget.

Living With an Invisible Illness, Part 2 (I think)

Quick post today to offer two items for your consideration.

1. Helping loved ones understand what you're feeling - if you haven't utilized The Spoon Theory, I highly recommend it. It's written for lupus, but works for any chronic invisible illness, in my opinion.

2. I was talking to someone last week who said that there is a new theory that fibromyalgia is related to PTSD. So I'm wondering - for those of you out there in ReaderLand who have fibro or another chronic autoimmune disorder, did you suffer a traumatic event?

That's all there's time for today. Hope your week is going well!

Living with an Invisible Illness, part 1

Many people I know suffer from invisible illnesses. I wrote this today during a bad flare. Nothing practical here, but hopefully in the days to come we can change that.

Fibromyalgia haiku


This flush on my face
So cheerful, seeming healthy
Lies – All is not well


“You look so healthy”
Appearances deceive you
This body - broken


Trigger points scream red
Without external pressure
Pools of pain inside


Large muscles spasm
Small ones clench, no release
No relief exists


Cannot filter noise
Near or far, it all pierces
I’m flying apart


My brain, wrapped in gauze
Thoughts disappear in the gray
What was I saying?


Sleep may be reprieve
Or not – hours pass, but still
Bone-deep exhaustion


Flares may fade away
“Normal” return for a day
But “Health” never will


This is my life now
Hurt, tired, and misunderstood
God is my refuge