So it was with amazement a few years ago that I met and promptly fell for Claude.* Claude was everything that I thought I wanted in a man – tall, strong, gentle, a good father, hard worker, animal lover, cowboy. He also came with a trainload of baggage. Serious baggage, the sort of baggage that made friends and family wonder if I had taken leave of my senses when we became involved.
One of the things I loved about Claude was that we never fought. We had disagreements, some of which were pretty serious, but we were always able to speak calmly and work them out. I loved his children, and they loved me. I thought that God had finally sent me my soul-mate, and that we would live together, if not always easily, then at least happily.
But then Claude’s ex-wife finished serving her prison sentence for the negligent homicide of their youngest son (see above reference to Serious Baggage), and suddenly – he wasn’t in love with me any more. He stood in my living room and looked me in the eye while he broke my heart.
What happened? Didn’t we value the same things? Have the same tastes, like the same music, watch the same movies, talk for hours about things both meaningless and meaningful? Wasn’t he my soul mate? What happened to
"happily ever after"???
I’ve long since stopped crying over him, and can’t think of a single circumstance under which I’d ever take him back, but the soul mate question lingered. Then my dear friend Caitlin** told me to read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. There was a particular conversation she told me to pay attention to, and it is from this conversation that the following quote comes:
Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.†
That paragraph describes what Claude did for me (which no one around me understood at the time). I’m a better version of myself for having loved him.
What a liberating concept! Yes, Claude was my soul mate. No, we were never meant to last forever. Be glad that it happened, not sorry that it ended.
I still struggle with being single. I have to frequently remind myself of 1 Corinthians 7:34 - "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband."
I have to remind myself that what I want more than anything else is to stand in front of my God and hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." If it means that I die childless and never having been married, then so be it.
And then last night I watched "The Buccaneers," based on Edith Wharton’s novel. At the end, the governess says to her friend, "I have lived without love for forty years. I shall probably manage to live another forty under the same terms."
Romantic love is great for them as has it. For the rest of us, there must be a reason. We may not ever know that reason, but perhaps we will be blessed enough to have a soul mate for a while, to teach us about ourselves.
------------
*Not his real name. I chose it because with the American pronunciation, it sounds like "clod," which is a pretty accurate description in retrospect.
**Not her real name, either. See the intro post.
† Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love, p. 149. Oh, and Richard-from-Austin, if you ever read this blog, I’d love to buy you a cup of coffee!
I love this post. I loved Eat Pray Love so much. You should see my copy. I have yellow flag post-its through out it, highlighted favorite passages, and notes in the margins.
ReplyDeleteI connected with that book on so many levels. Including the love part that you mention. It's true - soul mates need to be a mirror. I think soul mates can expand beyond the romantic as well. Tina and Sarah are two of my soul mates, she can say things to me, honest things I need to hear, that no one else can. My husband is the same way. Obviously, I'm not romantic with them but I am with my husband.
Great post!
Thanks! I rarely mark books, but I read this one with a highlighter. And I agree that soul mates are not necessarily romantic - in fact, I think we can learn from the non-romantic soul mates things that no one else can teach us.
ReplyDeleteI have more thoughts on Eat Pray Love coming up. LOL Stay tuned! :-)
What a beautiful concept: "But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." I'm very fortunate to have this in my partner. Now I feel like giving him a hug :)
ReplyDeleteYou are blessed. And I'm sure he'd appreciate a hug! :-)
ReplyDeleteI haven't read Eat, Pray, Love but you've caught my interest in it now.
ReplyDeleteI am also single and at most times content to be so but every once in a while I remember how nice it is to have someone else in your life to consult about the little things, to lean against when you're having one of those days and just the knowledge that there's someone there. I don't want to say that I've given up on the hope of a relationship however I do know that going into any new relationship I'm going to be the one with the baggage because of what's happened in the past. But to look at it the way that you are now, that you're a better person because of loving him, that makes sense to me. Makes me question myself if I'm a better person for it and I think the answer is yes. Now I've just got to find a way to get rid of the bitterness that I still hold in my heart towards him. Any tips on that?
Don't know how I missed your comment! I'm sorry. To get rid of bitterness is hard, but I would point you toward the post on forgiveness. Bitterness comes from lack of forgiveness. And maybe it's not the other person you need to forgive? I know I had to forgive myself for doing stupid stuff for love, and that's a process all of its own. Just keep forgiving, every time you're conscious of that bitterness. Eventually it will fade away.
ReplyDelete